


Studies in Unhealthy Romantic Engagement and Emotional Fallout

by communitycrave (rivscreamsnk)



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Abed Nadir, Canon Autistic Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Trauma, References to Emotional Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:08:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25427443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivscreamsnk/pseuds/communitycrave
Summary: There were things that Abed didn’t understand. There were lots of things, actually. However, he had learnt to cover up for these things when around other people, to whom understanding the things seemed to come naturally. He had devised a set of rules to hold himself to when in the company of others. At some point, he had started to believe those rules when alone too, which led to understanding even less things in the world.A story exploring what it means to understand romance, emotions, and anxiety about being neurodivergent.
Relationships: Troy Barnes & Abed Nadir
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	1. Introduction

There were things that Abed didn’t understand. There were lots of things, actually. However, he had learnt to cover up for these things when around other people, to whom understanding the things seemed to come naturally. He had devised a set of rules to hold himself to when in the company of others. At some point, he had started to believe those rules when alone too, which led to understanding even less things in the world.

One the Obvious Things was romance. Abed had done his fair share of research; there were plenty romantic comedies and romance in tv shows to go around. It was actually harder to find media without romance than with, so he could recite loads of romantic tropes. He knew the general steps of what romance was supposed to be, but nothing he had found could actually explain him what romance genuinely was, what it felt like, why people acted the way they did when engaging in it. So, he could read the signs, sure, but it pretty much ended there.

There was that time he had recognised the signs and correctly made the observation, “Jeff and Britta are having secret sex.” While sex was not necessarily part of romance, the two concepts were conflated enough in pop culture that Abed decided it counted. As he said it, he realised the trope he had identified involved secrecy as sustaining factor, meaning he might have killed their sexual attraction by its very observation. It turned out later that he had, once again, been correct in applying his knowledge of romance tropes to the world around him. The reasoning he had used, however, was purely based on what he had seen around him. He could still not genuinely understand why this trope functioned the way it did. And despite having real, experienced friends around him now, he did not dare to ask them to explain it to him because he feared the patronising comments that would undoubtedly follow. So, it started and ended with his observation.

There was another time, when he had briefly hoped to perhaps get some answers through his own experience. Troy was talking about that librarian, who Abed agreed was attractive. Because Abed felt similarly to Troy about her, or so he thought, he decided with Troy that they would both ask her out. It was exciting, because no matter what, if Abed did indeed genuinely take an interest in her he would experience some part of romance if he went through with their plan; it would be either rejection or the start of a romantic relationship, which would both be new for him. Therefore, the plan seemed fool-proof, and he went into it with confidence and gave it his all. When she eventually chose Troy, he was still excited because it meant he would experience that heart-wrenching rejection he knew from sitcoms.

Except, that was not what happened. Instead of sadness, he felt… relieved. That couldn’t be right! But it was what it was, and he was confronted with the fact that once again, he had had it wrong about his own feelings. They had not involved romantic attraction at all, he had merely wished they would. He had mimicked Troy and let himself believe that was real. At least he had not taken a potential, real relationship from Troy, he thought. When Troy came storming out not much later, Abed got slightly worried that perhaps his involvement had ruined his best friend’s love life after all, but Troy had always been good at reassuring him without even knowing. It was alright, Troy was happy just being with him, and that feeling was mutual.

He had considered asking Troy about it because Troy did seem to understand. It was one of Abed’s rules, however, that he could absolutely not show that the Obvious Things were a mystery to him. He could barely admit it to himself, which was how he had ended up in the mess of that Valentine’s dance with the librarian in the first place. He kept finding himself trying to prove he _could_ experience romantic attraction by comparing himself to other people’s descriptions of it, but eventually kept returning to the conclusion his heart was not in it, which was, like, the only requirement, it seemed. So, he kept it all to himself, until he was confronted with it in a way that made it impossible to keep quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out vague but it will get more specific and narrative from the next chapter where the real story begins I promise


	2. Emotions 101

It wasn’t until the neighbours started having incredibly loud and vocal relationship issues that Abed started talking about his view on romance. The first time he had heard screaming next-door, he was home alone. That was an issue, because he was completely overwhelmed, and actually also a little scared. The sheer volume and emotion being thrown around vaguely reminded him of his parents’ divorce, and he couldn’t escape the emotional flood in his brain that followed that realisation.

When the screaming had stopped and Troy came home, Abed was in the smallest corner of the house, scrunched up and making a high-pitched noise. Troy immediately recognised what was going on, although he could not identify an immediate cause. It didn’t matter much now, though, so he focused on comforting Abed first. He dropped to his knees, so he was in front of Abed, and started talking to him.

“Hey buddy, I’m here. I’m here for you. I know it’s hard for you to respond right now, so you don’t have to. I can sit here with you. I’m here. Whatever happened, you are going to be okay, Abed.”

Abed did not immediately acknowledge Troy, but there was no expectation he would. He was clearly deep into his meltdown, which required careful attention rather than forceful rejection. Troy knew that it was best to let Abed engage in his self-soothing behaviours, so he only hoped Abed had heard him and was aware of his presence. It was all he could do.

Slowly but surely, Abed stopped making noise. He didn’t move from the position he was sitting in, but he could only do this one step at a time. He was thankful for Troy’s presence, as it was comforting and without any pressure to be anything more than he was. Troy had fallen silent, and Abed couldn’t get himself to talk either in fear of starting to make that noise again if he tried. So, instead of responding verbally, he eventually forced his head to look over his knees, and his eyes to find Troy in front of him on the ground.

Upon noticing Abed’s blank look at him, Troy smiled at him lightly. “Hey,” Troy added, “do you want a hug?”

Abed considered it for a second, because he wasn’t actually sure what he wanted. He felt oddly numb, like he was removed from the world, to which he realised someone holding him might help ground him again. In response, he tried nodding, which resulted in the tiniest of head movements. Troy picked up on it anyway, and slowly moved towards him. When he wrapped his arms around Abed, he felt himself relax slightly. Everything felt so heavy, including himself, and he had really not been expecting to have to deal with this today.

Troy hugged Abed tightly. The pressure helped him feel less like he was falling apart, and Abed decided he’d made the right decision. As he tried to get himself to relax his body a little, because he was safe now, he noticed he was tearing up again. He felt utterly worthless, but Troy was not letting go. Troy was still there. Troy wouldn’t leave him. Troy wouldn’t start yelling at him like- oh no. It was okay, he tried to remind himself. It was okay. And he kept repeating that phrase in his mind until he felt a little bit calmer.

Neither of them had any idea of how long they had been sitting together when Abed eventually moved, prompting Troy to let go of him. Abed couldn’t express how much Troy’s support meant to him, but he hoped Troy knew.

“Shall I make you some buttered noodles?” Troy offered.

That was right, it must be around dinner time, and Troy had gone out to get groceries downtown with the purpose of being able to make dinner. Abed still wasn’t sure what was and what wasn’t in his capacities, but he tried to nod anyway. Eating was good for him, and buttered noodles were the easiest thing for him to eat at any given moment. So, if he could get himself to eat, that would be the ideal choice.

Troy gave him a small smile in response as he stood up and responded, “alright. One serving of buttered noodles, coming up.”

It was nice that Troy had not asked what happened yet. Abed could barely speak, let alone speak of the upsetting events that had preceded Troy’s arrival. And Troy knew this, and he respected it. The ways in which they knew each other and treated each other were unlike anything Abed had ever experienced, and it was incredibly comforting to have an actual best friend. It allowed him to feel safe in times he needed it the most, which was beyond important. It was something he needed so badly but hadn’t realised he did until Troy finally came into his life and allowed him to open up little by little.

It took a while before Abed had found the strength to get himself to stand up and slowly walk over to the living room. As he arrived, Troy was busy putting the newly prepared buttered noodles in a bowl. He decided to sit down on one of the chairs in front of the tv, hoping Troy would want to watch some Inspector Spacetime with him. They usually did after Abed had a meltdown, because it involved a comforting activity they could do together without having to talk about anything. A few moments later, Troy did indeed join him in front of the tv and handed Abed the bowl of buttered noodles and a fork.

“Great timing,” he mused. “So, which season do you feel like watching today?”

That was an easy question, given what had happened. The nice thing about Inspector Spacetime was the vast range of episodes, which dealt with a great variety of topics. Therefore, there was usually an episode which either had no relation to what was going on in Abed’s brain at the time, and one that did. For now, he settled on one that didn’t, and held up five fingers.

Troy nodded in response and moved to set up the DVD. “Alright.”

The episode that started playing was one of Abed’s favourites overall. A new Inspector was introduced, and it consisted of more light-hearted running around that bordered on silly. Focusing on the tv helped him eat as well, because it helped him think less about what he was doing. After a few episodes, the bowl was empty, and he put it on the coffee table in front of him. Troy acknowledged this with a smile aimed at Abed. He knew how difficult it could be for Abed to eat just about anything sometimes.

They keep watching until Abed starts to feel sleepy. After signalling this to Troy, he gets up to put the empty bowl in the kitchen and get ready for bed. Sleepiness was not a guarantee that his brain would actually let him fall asleep, but he felt calm enough to dare trying it regardless. He pulled his blanket closer and tried to focus on how well the evening had gone given the events of the late afternoon, how safe he’d eventually felt, and eventually fell asleep thinking about how grateful he was for having Troy as a friend.

The next morning, Abed woke up feeling uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure whether he felt shame, embarrassment, anger, frustration, guilt, fear, or all of the above. He did know that whatever it was, it concerned the previous day’s events, because they had not been okay. And he wasn’t merely talking about the neighbours, he actually wasn’t talking about them at all. No, he knew this had to do with his own behaviour. His reaction had been way too extreme, and clinging to Troy like that without any explanation? What did Troy even think about that? Abed should really stop relying on Troy so much. Really, that screaming was no big deal, and he should stop letting external things affect him so much.

When he managed to push himself out of bed, he groggily walked over to the living room, where he was met with a bright Troy rummaging around the kitchen. Oh no- It was too late to go back, to think about how to approach Troy. Should he apologise? Or would that make his mistakes even more visible, more out there, more bothersome? Maybe Troy doesn’t realise Abed is aware of his behaviour, and maybe that’s the only reason he tolerates it? Acknowledging it surely would only be a mistake. Feigning ignorance it was, then. Which turned out more difficult than it seemed, because Abed barely dared to look at Troy as he entered the kitchen to find breakfast material.

“Good morning,” Troy said. He didn’t seem annoyed, at least.

“M-morning,” Abed replied. It took extra effort for him to physically form that word with his mouth. Oh no, his nerves were showing.

Abed kept awkwardly stumbling around, and he was hyper-aware of every move he made (and didn’t make, for that matter). He was now getting on his _own_ nerves more than anything. Eventually, he sighed and decided that Troy must definitely have noticed his weird behaviour as well, so he might as well just address it outright. It hadn’t been part of his original plan, but then again, that plan had also involved acting “normal” and he’d failed at that too. He let out a sigh, preparing himself for the moment that might just end in Troy being mad at him. Or worse.

“Okay, I’ll just say it. I’m sorry for how I acted yesterday.” And he was.

Troy nearly choked on his cereal at that statement. It seemed like he hadn’t expected it. Abed wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad sign as he watched Troy pull an unreadable face.

“Sorry? For what- You didn’t do anything.”

Abed cocked his head to the side ever so slightly, considering this new piece of information. He still couldn’t figure it out, so he decided to test his new hypothesis.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No,” Troy asserted, immediately. Then, a few moments later he added, “I’m still not sure what I’d be mad at you for.”

They sat in silence for a little bit, he had no idea how long, while Abed tried to formulate a response. He owed Troy that much, as he appeared confused, and the last thing he’d wanted to do is give Troy more reasons to eventually decide to be done with him. However, he couldn’t figure out what to say, how to explain his perspective, which was also all over the place, and he grew increasingly frustrated at his own incompetence regarding finding a damn answer. Yet, Troy waited patiently. How was Troy always so patient with him? He shook his head. That wasn’t the point right now. The point was an answer to Troy’s, well, it hadn’t exactly been a question, but he knew it was close enough to one anyway. So, if his brain could please co-operate, then-

“Abed,” Troy interrupted him. Oh no, his patience must have run out- “I’m not sure whether you’re still thinking about a response, or you’re stuck. But do you want me to start with a more specific question, so we can figure this out? Together?”

Oh. That would actually be incredibly helpful, so he nodded.

“Okay,” Troy responded, taking a second to consider his next question. “Is this about what happened when I came home from the grocery store yesterday?”

Another nod.

“Does it have to do with what caused you to be upset?”

They both knew “upset” was an understatement, but Abed appreciated it because he already felt like his behaviour has been an overreaction. He shook his head. This was about himself, after all. And how he kept clinging to Troy every time he threw his own emotional tantrum.

“Did you think you needed to apologise because of something I did, like a particular way in which I responded to you?”

Another headshake.

“Okay, good. Is it about something you did in my presence last night?”

It took a little bit more effort for him to nod this time.

“Can you tell me what it was?”

“I can try.”

“Okay. Take your time, I’m listening.”

“I- uh… I’m-“ Abed stammered, opening his mouth to speak several times, but he couldn’t get the words out. It was clear it wasn’t going to work, but he desperately needed it to. So, maybe, just maybe he could try this another way. “I’ll text you,” he settled on eventually.

Troy nodded silently as he watched Abed take out his phone and stare at the screen intently. Writing was easier sometimes. His fingers seemed to be more connected to his brain than his mouth was. It still wasn’t easy, however, because he was painfully aware of Troy’s presence in front of him, which made this whole thing seem ridiculous. He was ridiculous for not being able to _just say_ it. Troy somehow seemed to realise his leering presence added unmanageable pressure because he stood up.

“I’ll go get my phone from my room,” he explained, before disappearing through his bedroom door.

_“I overreacted and I clung to you with no explanation and that’s not fair – you shouldn’t have to take care of me like that and I don’t want to be too much because I don’t want you to leave because you should have space here too and in general I shouldn’t become dependent on you and you deserve a decent response rather than me not even talking at all out of nowhere”_

He wrote it quickly, not looking back at the words as he’d written them. He knew that if he would let himself edit anything, he’d simply end up deleting the entire thing. That wasn’t acceptable, so he had to make do with the mess he did manage to type out. So, he hit send before he could stop himself, before he could figure out whether he would regret his words.

The door creaked open and Troy reappeared, phone in his right hand. Abed couldn’t read his expression, so all he could do is wait for Troy to sit down and speak. There was no going back now. Well, there might be a way to sort of undo all of this, but he knew that would be bad too, so he stuck with what was happening.

“Abed,” he started as he put his phone down on the table between them, “I wouldn’t be mad at you for having emotions. You were having a rough time, and that happens sometimes. Your emotions are valid.”

“How do you know?” Abed’s voice was quiet, and Troy barely heard it.

“How do I know…?” he repeated, just to make sure.

“How do you know my emotions are valid? There was barely any logic behind them. Nothing that bad happened, really. I wasn’t even responding to something that happened in that moment, not really. It was not justified,” Abed explained, his voice increasing in tone and picking up speed rapidly. As Troy took a second to catch up, he added, “so, having to need you for getting me out of it wasn’t justified either.”

“No. They _are_ justified. Emotions rarely make sense, and that does not make them less valid,” Troy offered, placing emphasis on his words, which made him sound determined. “You have a right to your own emotions, Abed,” he stated.

“Except…” Abed couldn’t find the words. He was oddly moved by Troy’s, as he noticed his eyes starting to tear up. Apparently, he’d really needed to hear those words from someone he trusted. And if there was anyone in the world he trusted, it was Troy. So, he took those words seriously, despite them going against everything he’d ever been taught.

“I’m scared,” he finished. Yeah. That was the real answer. He was scared because what he’d done, what he was doing even, it was breaking his own Rules. Abed had made his Rules to assure he would be a reasonable member of society, who was nice to the people around them, and did not make any mistakes in social interaction that seemed like obvious mistakes to everyone else. He’d made his fair share of those because the mistakes he made in social situations were unbeknown to him, and not obvious at all. And they’d resulted in abuse, people leaving him, or both. So, he had to devise a set of rules to prevent that from happening again. The set of rules, deemed Rules, that described Things He Was Not Allowed to Do (Wrong) Ever.

“That’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Can I hug you?” Troy asked. He wasn’t sure whether Abed wanted to go into detail about his fears, because the act of admitting them already seemed to take a lot out of him. A hug, then, would be good as means of communication that it was alright. Troy wouldn’t get mad or leave. He would stay.

“Y-yeah.” Abed could barely get it out, but he did. He felt overwhelmed, but he also realised his uncomfortable feelings that had started this whole conversation felt less intense now. It seemed like an improvement, then.

Troy gave him a small smile before standing up and walking over to him. When he wrapped his arms around Abed, they both felt relief wash over them. They could just stay like that for a while, they would be okay for now. They would continue the conversation another time because it wasn’t over, but this needed to be handled one step at a time, and there was no immediate rush. Abed felt the urge to apologise, again, because he made Troy comfort him, again. But instead he settled on another phrase.

“Thank you.”


	3. Emotions 102

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Troy slowly starts to get a grasp of just how deep this rabbit hole might go

“It’s like Dirk Gently,” Abed noted, three days after his meltdown that he still hadn’t explained.

Troy was sitting next to him, paying attention to the tv, where he was busy playing a game and shooting NPCs. Something about Abed’s tone made him press pause and turn to look at his face. The other man did not look back, his face still plastered to the tv screen. That meant it was probably something difficult.

“What is?” Troy responded, because he was unsure what Abed was referring to exactly.

“What I’m scared of. I am continuously at risk of failing the test, being wrong. My emotions are wrong, and maybe there was a genuine cause like Blackwing at some point, but it’s no longer there. I live with you now, I have friends, I have no reason to mess up. And yet I do, and it’s wrong. If others notice, they’ll leave. Like Todd did, in Wendimoor, because Dirk couldn’t let go of being wrong,” Abed explained, speeding up as he spoke, because he wanted to explain but he also didn’t because it scared him. If Troy hadn’t been aware of this somehow, he was now, which made the possibility of him leaving even bigger.

Troy took a second to think that through. They had been watching Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, and he knew Abed was quite excited about the show. They had been talking about it at length and Abed liked explaining his interpretations in great detail. Except, he hadn’t realised that was also because he was using it to make sense of his own experiences in the world. That wasn’t at all surprising, because Abed did that all the time, but it somehow still hadn’t really occurred to Troy. When he looked back at Abed to give a response, he noticed Abed had curled into himself, hugging his knees, with a blank look on his face.

“Hey, buddy. I won’t leave. I know that might not seem like much, just saying that. I don’t really know how else to prove it other than saying it right now, though. And following through, of course,” Troy started, taking a moment to pause before continuing. He wasn’t sure whether to ask this question, but he felt it was important. “Do you mean that there’s been traumatic experiences that underlie your emotions that make them feel disproportionate?”

Abed nodded. It was in response to both things that were said, and he hoped Troy understood this.

“Okay,” Troy said, not wanting to apologise because he knew Abed didn’t like being told others were sorry for him. So, he added something else, “it is not your fault.” And he knew that had been the right thing to say when Abed slightly loosened the grip on his knees.

“You don’t know that.” His thoughts were spinning, but he wanted to believe it. If anyone could make him believe those words, it was his best friend, because he trusted him more than anyone in the world.

“You compared it to Dirk. It is not his fault either that he was institutionalised and abused,” Troy countered.

That was a point he couldn’t counter. “Yeah. Thanks, Troy.”

“Any time,” Troy answered, and he meant it. Friends don’t lie, and he truly was prepared to remind Abed that his traumatic experiences were not his fault whenever he need to hear it. Because no one should have to live with that belief, and especially not the awesome person that was his best friend.

Troy let go of the game controller in his hands so he could move to do their handshake. Abed moved to do the same. It was their signal that things were okay. They were okay. And that was enough for now, so Abed encouraged Troy to continue playing the game that he’d interrupted. This process of whatever was going on exactly needed to be taken one step at a time.

The next step (if it could even really be considered a step instead of a hindrance that was painfully related), however, came all too soon. It had only been a day since their conversation and Abed was vastly unprepared for emotional fallout. When he heard the first shattering noise, he instantly became more alert. He hoped it was nothing, that he wouldn’t have to deal with this again, but the scream that followed insinuated otherwise. He was too close to the wall behind which it was happening, so he could hear what was being shouted.

“Stop it! You never listen to me!”

He flinched, and before he knew it, he was wrapped up in himself. Maybe he should go find Troy, who was home somewhere, right? But he couldn’t move. Instead, he just sat there, on the floor, curled up and unable to let go.

This had nothing to do with him. This was his neighbours, who he didn’t even know by name. This was not about him. This was not his business. He should just ignore it. If only, he was able to. But it was too much like all those times it _had_ had something to do with him. Like those times it had been _about_ him. Like-

No, no, no, no, no, he couldn’t do this. He didn’t understand this. He couldn’t- No.

He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there making noise and desperately trying to avoid spinning out until he heard another, third voice. Except this one wasn’t screaming, but gentle and soft. And it was a lot closer too. It must be Troy.

He also had no idea how long he’d been sitting there after that until he was able to open his eyes and look up from his knees. When he did, he indeed found Troy sitting on the floor near him, but far away enough that he had space.

His voice, where was his voice? He really wanted to say something, anything, to let Troy know he appreciated his presence or even explain why he had ended up there himself. He couldn’t find it. He hated these moments, where he wanted to talk but his throat seemed like an immovable object. Thankfully, no one yelled at him for it, at least- this time-

He couldn’t stop himself from choking up again, and he ducked his head back behind his knees. No, no, no, no. Fuck. Stop the yelling, please, stop-

“Abed, hey, buddy, I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”

He could barely understand it, but he could. Somehow, Troy’s voice had managed to pierce through the racing thoughts of panic and emotion this time. It was comforting.

“I don’t,” he managed to force out, very softly, “understand romance.” There. He’d said it. And now he had, he just wanted to disappear. It was all too much.

“That’s okay. We can figure that out, later. Okay?”

Yes. Alright. Later. He had trouble with the concept of that, of not now, but he knew he couldn’t figure it out _now_. For way too many reasons. And Troy would help him. Troy knew this was a thing for him now. Troy probably had no idea how that statement connected to the situation they were in, but that was also something for later.

Slowly, Abed unwrapped himself. He didn’t really have words, no words that seemed expressible. All his words just seemed trapped and doomed to circle his mind, until maybe at some point other words could take their place again. It didn’t seem to matter, though, because when he finally found Troy with his eyes, his best friend seemed to smile gently at him. That was reassuring.

“Do you want to watch me continue playing my game?” Troy asked, moving on presumably after having figured out Abed’s silent agreement to his previous question.

It took him a second, but Abed managed to give a thumbs up as a response. His hands still managed to listen to him, at least. They slowly got up from the floor, and Troy was careful to give Abed enough space. It was still incredibly comforting that they were so in tune with each other’s needs and didn’t necessarily need words to communicate them all the time.

Just watching the gameplay was soothing, because it allowed Abed to focus on something other than his thoughts and feelings without too much effort. He felt exhausted, but he knew sleeping was out of the question given his brain’s ability to keep him awake with the most annoying thought processes. Plus, this was an activity with Troy, whose presence already made things less distressing.

Troy was not entirely focused on his game, however. He was thinking about Abed. Clearly, something was up, and it might be something that wasn’t solved fast or easily. There was no knowing, but he considered the last meltdown might be related to the one before that. He never did figure out the cause of that, after all, and usually Abed was incredibly open about them afterwards. Actually, he had a habit of making light of them. And given his confession that he had trouble accepting his emotions, this might not be something they could figure out with just the two of them.

Troy wasn’t really used to Abed being vague. Not for longer than maybe a day, because whenever he couldn’t figure out what was going on, Troy would always manage to ask for clarification. He had not done so with this, though, because this seemed like something he shouldn’t push Abed to talk about. It came in random moments, like in the middle of his shooter game when Abed had blurted out something about Dirk Gently. He was glad that had happened, but he also knew that meant it was incredibly difficult for Abed to talk about. That was something Abed _had_ explained to him at some point when they were discussing how to have serious conversations because he did not like being completely surprised by difficult discussions.

As he remembered that Dirk Gently conversation, it finally dawned on him that next to saying he felt at fault for his emotional outbursts, Abed had also pretty much said he was traumatised. Abed’s comparisons usually accounted for several things and were rarely off on important aspects like the impact of the scenario he was referencing. Like _traumatisation_. Shit. That was a really big thing. While considering what exactly this meant, he needed to pause his game because he kept dying and really could not multitask all of this. He did reach a conclusion of what needed to happen, and he was sure it would need some persuasion because Abed wouldn’t like this. He knew he should bring this up sooner rather than later, though, because they both disliked having unspoken things between them, especially when those things were important. So, he decided to mention it anyway.

“Hey Abed?” he asked, glancing over at his best friend, who sat curled up on the chair next to him with his eyes still glued to the tv.

He hummed in response. It had been a while now since his emotional moment, so he felt a bit more okay again. A bit more in control of his body and voice.

“We should talk, about how to go from here. I have a proposal, and I promise this is not about me, because I don't need to change the way we handled this today. It's more about addressing this long-term. Are you up for that?” He tried to be clear, and also reassuring about what he didn’t mean, so he wouldn’t unnecessarily worry his best friend.

Abed took a second to take in that information. That was… unexpected. He had figured Troy would examine the situation someday, but not yet. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it didn’t seem negative from what Troy had already said. So, he nodded. This was going to happen one way or the other, anyway, and he didn't like waiting in the unknown. The time to have a real conversation was now.


	4. Uncertainty: Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Abed struggles with Troy's proposal

“Okay, I think we should consider you going to therapy,” Troy said, starting with the conclusion. He knew Abed preferred it this way, so he knew what the explanation was for rather than having to figure that out _while_ focusing on whether he agreed with that explanation. Nonetheless, he looked at Abed, checking whether he should continue. Abed quickly glanced back in his general direction, signalling Troy could explain. “You mentioned Dirk Gently. I suspect you did so in reference to his trauma as well. That means you could benefit from support I cannot give you. If these meltdowns are a response to this trauma, I personally think it would be a good idea to address them. With a professional. That’s my proposal. Respond when you’re ready to.”

 _No_. That was Abed’s first thought. But, he trusted Troy, so he let him finish talking. If anyone could convince him of something like this, it would be Troy. And he wouldn’t be saying this if he didn’t have a good reason. It turned out that was correct. _Fuck, he’d seen through the Dirk Gently thing._ Abed wasn’t entirely sure whether he had even been aware of how deep that comparison went himself, but he instantly knew Troy’s words were a correct observation about it. And he wasn’t sure whether he was ready to face that yet either.

Therapy was bad news. Next to whether he was unsure of wating to face himself being broken, there was that thing, too. Therapy wasn’t _good_. Or _helpful_. No, no, no, definitely not. Maybe for others, but not for him. Abed couldn’t trust therapists. He could barely trust himself sometimes, so talking to someone else who would claim to know things better than him? That was dangerous. Only he was allowed to have the power to change his brain.

But. Troy did have a point. Abed didn’t enjoy cowering away in a corner every time _that_ happened either. And given what he’d heard, he didn’t expect it to end anytime soon. It _was_ a problem. A problem that was entirely his. After all, Troy had just said he couldn’t solve it and Abed shouldn’t expect him to anyway. That wouldn’t be fair. That was not what friends are for. So, this was incredibly complicated, and neither option seemed okay. He didn’t want to say yes, but he also didn’t want to say no, exactly.

“I don’t know,” was what he eventually settled on. He cringed at his own words, he could hear a distant voice telling him off for that answer, but it was honestly the best he could do. He didn’t look at Troy. That wasn’t new, but he now made a point not to, he didn’t want to know whether Troy was disappointed with that answer yet.

“That’s okay, buddy.” They both fell silent, following their own trains of thought.

Troy wanted to say something comforting to follow up on that statement, but he wasn’t entirely sure what would be helpful and also sincere, because friends don’t lie. They did need to figure out the answer to his question at some point. It didn’t have a deadline, but he knew that wouldn’t be a constructive addition.

“Hey, maybe we can write out a pros and cons list?” he eventually offered. If anything, it could give some insight into what exactly was holding Abed back. And maybe those things had solutions.

“Okay,” Abed replied reluctantly. He couldn’t argue with that. But he also couldn’t do it now. “I’ll text you. Later.” Yeah. Not now. This was all too much too fast.

“Okay. Thank you, Abed.” Troy offered a small smile because he could tell how big this was for Abed. He hadn’t heard Abed say he didn’t know something all that much, especially about big and personal decisions like these. And to let someone help him, genuinely, he could only imagine how much Abed was struggling right now.

“Troy?” Somehow Abed’s voice sounded even smaller than a moment earlier.

“Yes?”

“Can you- give me a hug?” Abed’s skin was crawling, he needed something, anything, to offer pressure and make it go away. His own hands around his knees weren’t enough.

“Of course.”

Troy took a moment to let Abed process that response before he moved over to wrap his arms around his best friend. Sometimes Abed would ask this, he’d explained that sometimes he needed something other than himself to make the weird sensations of absence go away. So Troy hugged him, tightly, to make sure they would.

They sat like that for a little while, until Abed moved his arm away from his chest. Now, it was Abed who whispered, “thank you.”

Abed felt so broken. And he decided that instead of wallowing in the feelings of not wanting to exist, he should try doing something about it. So, two days after Troy had proposed the thing to him, he found himself staring at a piece of paper with a pen in his hand. He’d written “pros” in the top left and “cons” in the top right. The “cons” were easier to come up with.

“Cons:

  * It’s bad
  * They can’t help me ~~I’m too broken~~
  * They will make wrong conclusions about me and make it worse
  * I can’t trust them
  * I don’t know what’s wrong with me ~~and they’ll think they know better~~
  * They won’t believe me
  * ~~I don’t want to be crazy~~ It’s scary”



He shook his head. These were all bad reasons.

“Pros:

  * It could ~~n~~ help me
  * I might figure out what’s wrong with me
  * I might stop having so many meltdowns
  * I won’t have to keep relying on Troy all the time”



Maybe. In an ideal scenario, those pros could be true. But he was more inclined to be convinced by his cons list, as crazy as that made him feel. He wanted to tear up the paper, but he knew he’d told Troy he would share it with him. And he should. Abed could trust Troy.

As on cue, Troy walked into the room as Abed was staring down at the table, thinking of what to do with the piece of paper in front of him. Troy was glad to see Abed as he’d been quite elusive that day, so he greeted him with a cheerful “hey, Abed!”

It startled him, because he hadn’t noticed his best friend come in. _Oh shit Troy’s here_. With great effort, Abed managed to redirect his gaze in the general direction of Troy.

“Hey,” he mumbled back. _That wasn’t cheerful enough_. Oh no, now Troy will know something is up. Fuck. Say something else, anything to avoid Troy from noting his sad appearance. Anything to avoid drawing attention to that piece of paper he wasn’t ready to share yet. But he couldn’t find any other words.

“I was just trying to find some Inspector Spacetime info and found out there’s a forbidden Christmas Special,” Troy stated with the same glee in his voice. Somehow, Abed’s misery hadn’t taken that away. Yet. Had he not noticed after all?

“Oh?” Abed was trying his best to sound normal, but he couldn’t keep his head up and redirected his eyes to the floor.

“Yeah, this gets really wild, they banned it in Britain because it was so bad! That’s why it’s not well-known,” Troy continued, taking a moment to study Abed’s demeanour before continuing, “would you want to put it on our Christmas watch list?”

“Sounds fun.” His voice was flat, but that wasn’t really exceptional. His voice was flat a lot, like his face. It was- no. No.

“Hey buddy, I can tell something is up but I’m not sure if you want to talk about it. So, do you?” Troy’s voice had changed, it sounded different now. Abed had done it, the glee in his voice was gone and it was because _he_ couldn’t just be excited about this discovery too.

His words had fully left him. Or his voice. Or both. He couldn’t answer. So he tried shaking his head. It felt like the biggest movement because it took so much effort to move all of a sudden. He knew from experience it was probably barely visible, but it was the best he could do. He could only hope Troy had seen it.

And he had, because he replied, “okay. I can leave you alone, or we can do something together, like watch Inspector Spacetime. I was on my way to go do that, actually. So, do you want to be alone?”

Abed appreciated the closed question. It was still difficult to answer, but not as difficult. He wasn’t sure if he had the answer to this though. He was worried that if he stayed here, alone, he might tear himself apart even further than he already had. But he also couldn’t move. Yet, he decided he should, so he tried shaking his head again. _Troy, please help me._ He hated relying on others, he should really stop doing that.

“Alright. Do you want to watch Inspector Spacetime with me?”

Maybe. Yes. Yes. Now he needed to nod. Yes, Troy. Somehow, it worked because Troy moved onto a new question.

“Can I touch you?”

No. Yes. It might help him get out of this frozen state, to feel something other than the lock his body was in. It was worth a try. He tried nodding again.

“Okay, I’m going to touch your hand.”

And, just like that, he felt immense warmth on his left hand. It was comforting. It was freeing, almost. And that was when he realised he’d been clasping his right arm with it. When he moved his right arm away to let his left hand relax further, he saw it had red marks from the pressure. Oh. That wasn’t good. He hadn’t even noticed that he was doing that. And he knew he should be worried about it, but he couldn’t muster up the right feelings. Or any feelings at all, really.

Somehow, he had managed to get up from the chair and leave that paper behind as he ended up on the couch, next to Troy and in front of the tv. He had no idea what Troy was thinking. About him, about the state he was in, about what Troy had made him stop doing. Whatever it was, it wasn’t bad enough that Troy had changed his plans because he’d put in the DVD of season six of Inspector Spacetime and was now scrolling through the episode list.

“Is episode 13 okay?” Troy asked. His voice didn’t sound negative.

Abed nodded. He still didn’t have his voice back but at least moving was easier again. He really didn’t know what he’d do without his best friend, where he would be.

And just like that, Troy pressed play and they sat there in silence, letting their minds wander into this fantasy world rather than their own. Abed managed to forget about the paper just for the time being. And it was just him and Troy, doing something nice together.


End file.
